thinkingofatitleistoomuchwork. i dont use spaces because they're excessive.

Last night, at four in the morning, I sat with you outside, chain smoking, one cigarette lighting the next, the cycle continuing for about an hour or so. We talked, about where you are and how I was there just mere moments ago. Perching on top of the ledge, I looked down at my dangling feet and spoke for what seemed like threads of centuries combined together to form fleeting moments. We chewed on snow, we caught up, we were straight out of the movies. I handed out advice even though im clearly younger, and you listened as if you truly thought I was making sense.

Later, when we procrastinated over Econ you told me that I had never been more beautiful that in that moment. That moment, when I told you that I was truly happy, that I felt like I had finally achieved a sense of being superior to my problems. When you told me, it took me by surprise, but now I can see why you would say that. My voice low, my mind perfectly in sync with my words, I was on a roll, and I said things that I dont say usually, that I never have the sense to write down, that I forget once uttered.

But now, I find this picture, and all I can think about is a best friend staring out into an ocean that is purely mine and his. And as I sit here, eyes wiped and nose blown, staring at my laptop looking for some sort of salvation, I just wish that I could be back there, at my ocean, in my space, in an area of my mind that I choose to forget every time I make a trip across the Atlantic.

Because baby, tonight was so so so so hard. And I am so so so so crushed.

Why is it, that every time I feel like things are settling down, there must be new hurdles, new things almost as painful as the last, new things that find new ways of creeping into my life, to trip me when im finally back on my feet?

This better stop, I only have so much energy left, so much that I can give- and soon im going to do something really stupid-

-and i'll be gone too far to be saved.

So remember that fucking ledge, because im not uttering those words again.

If I believed in God I would hate him right now.