how could anybody deny you?

At this rate, im going to flunk out of college. Im already failing Applied Calculus, and my international politics midterm didn't go as well as planned. Economics is a joke, but a joke im getting a B in and Sociology is too easy to do badly in. Im trying to double major in Economics and Political Science with a minor in Sociology- trying being the operative term here.

Im making mistakes, so so so many that its almost beyond count at this point. Everyday, every night- the wrong people, the wrong activities, the wrong life that I should be leaving. Finally, when I thought I was getting back on my feet, its seems that ive lost those limbs altogether.

But honey, the substances numb the pain, the feeling of constant hollowness is filled with temporary weight and substance. How can I deny that? How can I pass that by, that temporary feeling of being whole again, of not constantly tearing yourself up over guilt and sadness and a whole other set of emotions that the english dictionary is yet to define? Why? Why not? Why shouldn't I indulge myself? Why shouldnt I let myself go, confine myself in openness? Do I not deserve joy? Do I not need this?

Its temporary. Its fake.

Theres a place on campus known as the grate, I tell you this primarily because its probably the most important place here as far as im concerned. Having stuck myself in the Midwest, Ive become accustomed to choosing nicotine over frostbite on many occasions. Temperatures of -20 and -35 do not a happy chain smoker make. And so, there is the grate, a patchwork ledge right above the laundry duct. You sit huddled between foots of snow, so warm that your body can barely understand the difference between what is being seen and what is being felt.

I live there, before class after class in the middle of the night- all the time. Its right next to my dorm- its convenient when you just need to clear your head. I share the grate with my girls, one girl in particular, one of my most beloved people here. Last night, we sat after picking up bubble tea from the place down the street and sat and discussed our day and our loves and our hits and our misses. On my third cigarette, im concentrating on finding my lighter when I notice your waving to a dark figure walking to the dorm adjacent to mine. I look up, my eyes trying to adjust to the pitch black night

and I realize its you.

I smile and you come by to say hi. You light up and make small talk- the weather and where I dissapeared on Thursday night. I answer back, acutely aware of the fact that I just rolled out of bed and had on a grimy sweat shirt and my ugliest pair of tracks. My hair pulled back, my face makeup free- this really isnt my ideal situation. To make matters worse, my best friend realizes shes late for a meeting and says her goodbyes and hurries off. You notice the spot next to me being open and sit down.

We talk for a half hour or so, there's so much to know about each other- and the genuine interest pours out without effort. I left when I got a call about a movie I had to watch for class and quickly picked up my stuff and headed in.

You always say my name a lot, I dont know why.

I smiled for no reason for about an hour after that lame encounter. Sober.


Im quitting starting tomorrow.