I should go to bed.

Where the universe revolves around the pupil of an eye.

That song will always remind me of you. Always. Because I know no one else whose heard it, and even if they have, they didnt share what we did when we heard it. Songs are like little boxes of memories for me, you click play on iTunes and you remember a time, a place, a person- maybe even a smell. A mood of sorts, a reminder of better days, of worse days, of days in general. We've lived through so many days apart, so many many days that rolled into weeks and months and years and decades. Childhood, puberty, being bitter and being too happy to know any better. But even then, three months into the most unusual friendship ive ever had, it feels like we've lived an eternity.

Destiny had a plan for us, you and me. Forgive the dramatic dialogues but I really feel that there are energys in this world, and one of those energys was out there just to get me and you together. And it suceeded, and thankgod for that. You are perfectly imprefect for me.

Im sitting in my room, I can see my reflection in the mirror next to the sink. Im cross legged, laptop burning permanent marks onto my thighs. Two suitcases, my fully charged ipod, my travel case with all the papers needed (im so my fathers daughter its crazy) a bag with a book, two extra pens, a brush and my cell phone. Ive said all the goodbyes I need to say, had all the awkward moments I needed to have, laughed enough to compensate for the dry tears that never left my eyes, smoked enough cigarettes to blacken my lungs to the core. Ive slept through class, aced exams, bitched about failing exams, written papers that make me seem like a dyslexic cow, made mistakes- so so so many, run out of money, been exhausted, been content, been all of these things in fleeting moments where time stands still but momentum still makes you feel like your flying.

Time moves funny here, the days fly by, the weeks drag, monday flows into tuesday, a whole night of sleep feels like a five minute nap. What I did yesterday seems like a week ago, what I did a week ago seems like a month ago. The absurd feeling of numbness still remains, I still need to constantly remind myself of where I am, what im doing, sometimes I need to reach out and touch, forcing my senses to deliver concrete messages to my brain. Its still odd, even right now, with the side of my bed digging into my back, with the heat of my laptop burning my skin, with my fingers lightly touching the keyboard, im still not here, im still not doing this. When will this numbness go? What is it?

But even then, irrespective of all that, this is as real as my life has been. Ive said that im sorry, ive owned up to my mistakes, im confronted, ive let myself go. Karachi life, with its drama and high politics always felt like I was watching everything through a glass mirror, seperated from it eternally. But here, im right in the middle of things, im held accountable, and its made this so much more fruitful, the friendships so much stronger, the days so much more meaningful.

For that I thank everyone. And I pat myself on the back for a 3.8 GPA, a set of the most amazing friends, a waistline that is still in check and a mind that isnt insanely happy, but is content in its discontentment.

A plane ride tomorrow and there ill be. Home.

Lets see how this goes.



I really should be in bed.