keeps me smiling
Yeah, having some laughs.
Late night out, come back, sit on the computer, wind down before hitting the bed. Life doesnt really stop for much these days, time is measured in units of atmosphere. Looking back, ive done so much today, said so much, met so many people, but they all seem like specific instances that dont necessarily need to have come one after the other, seperate entities that dont have anything in common except for the fact that I was present in all of the them. We laughed on a balcony, sipped on some non-alcoholic red wine, crashed a mehndi, burnt our tongues from some sunrise kashmiri chai, all of those moments with different people, in different cars, different clothes. I dont measure in days or weeks or months anymore- I measure in instance, in environment. Fuck Monday Tuesday Wednesday, life seems like one ongoing struggle these days, the sun doesnt set, a new day doesnt begin. Sleeping is just one instance, you wake up brush your teeth and youve simply transitioned to your next one.
Guilt is a funny thing, it bites you hard and you feel like crawling into a quiet like black hole for a while, and your mind fucks with you and you wish you could change the past, but thats it, you just wish and think and experience. You dont do anything. Sure, it would be nice if I were doing things differently, but im really fucking lazy and im not getting off my ass to do jack. Theres a party in my mind always, always. But not the party at midnight, with the dance floor overflowing, the lights driving you crazy, your body moving because the music demands worship. This is the party at about 4 something in the morning, when the stragglers are left, the people are too drunk, theres been a fight, your favorite shawl has cherry burns in it and your ride cant find his keys. Things are sour, the ripe fruit is being attacked by flies, the flowers are wilted, the milk needs to be thrown out.
We drove by school today, and I commented about how I really didnt feel any sort of attachment or longing for those days. You speak to kids from other schools and its all about 'damn, those days and those teachers and those friends.' All I remember, was third grade, my F in English, and my mother telling me that my thing was definately Math and reading all those Archie Comics were going to get me nowhere. That beautiful 36%, which didnt get much better for most of my high school English career, was based on the fact that I used words like 'happy' and 'good'. You know, words that are too generic and too cliched and just not fitting vocabulary for a third grader in the snobbiest school in Karachi could get away with saying. My arguement, that I still stand behind to this day, is that sometimes, there just isnt any other word that gets the thought across.
Because right now, irrespective of however many instances ive been through, irrespective of how many times ive stopped breathing because ive been laughing so hard, im sad- always, all the time, its like the eternal headache that no amount of Panadol can cure.
Give me a synonym for what im feeling right now and then we'll fucking talk.
Late night out, come back, sit on the computer, wind down before hitting the bed. Life doesnt really stop for much these days, time is measured in units of atmosphere. Looking back, ive done so much today, said so much, met so many people, but they all seem like specific instances that dont necessarily need to have come one after the other, seperate entities that dont have anything in common except for the fact that I was present in all of the them. We laughed on a balcony, sipped on some non-alcoholic red wine, crashed a mehndi, burnt our tongues from some sunrise kashmiri chai, all of those moments with different people, in different cars, different clothes. I dont measure in days or weeks or months anymore- I measure in instance, in environment. Fuck Monday Tuesday Wednesday, life seems like one ongoing struggle these days, the sun doesnt set, a new day doesnt begin. Sleeping is just one instance, you wake up brush your teeth and youve simply transitioned to your next one.
Guilt is a funny thing, it bites you hard and you feel like crawling into a quiet like black hole for a while, and your mind fucks with you and you wish you could change the past, but thats it, you just wish and think and experience. You dont do anything. Sure, it would be nice if I were doing things differently, but im really fucking lazy and im not getting off my ass to do jack. Theres a party in my mind always, always. But not the party at midnight, with the dance floor overflowing, the lights driving you crazy, your body moving because the music demands worship. This is the party at about 4 something in the morning, when the stragglers are left, the people are too drunk, theres been a fight, your favorite shawl has cherry burns in it and your ride cant find his keys. Things are sour, the ripe fruit is being attacked by flies, the flowers are wilted, the milk needs to be thrown out.
We drove by school today, and I commented about how I really didnt feel any sort of attachment or longing for those days. You speak to kids from other schools and its all about 'damn, those days and those teachers and those friends.' All I remember, was third grade, my F in English, and my mother telling me that my thing was definately Math and reading all those Archie Comics were going to get me nowhere. That beautiful 36%, which didnt get much better for most of my high school English career, was based on the fact that I used words like 'happy' and 'good'. You know, words that are too generic and too cliched and just not fitting vocabulary for a third grader in the snobbiest school in Karachi could get away with saying. My arguement, that I still stand behind to this day, is that sometimes, there just isnt any other word that gets the thought across.
Because right now, irrespective of however many instances ive been through, irrespective of how many times ive stopped breathing because ive been laughing so hard, im sad- always, all the time, its like the eternal headache that no amount of Panadol can cure.
Give me a synonym for what im feeling right now and then we'll fucking talk.
posted by discopapaya at 2:08 PM
1 Comments:
depression? :P
soory. bad joke. I'm here again :).
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