and he cried, 'my life is in shambles!'
Wow.
The song plays, over and over again. It plays because I dont know what else to do with it, it plays because I dont have any answers for the questions it makes me ask myself, it plays because it somehow manages to alleviate the troubles while still pressing upon wave upon wave of grief. Its 2:20 in the morning, late Thursday night, tomorrow being the first and last holiday for the rest of the semester. Im sitting covered in my comforter, typing because I dont know what else to do with myself, typing because I dont have an answer for the questions my words are asking me, typing because I need the shelter of my laptop so I can cry in peace while my roommate sits only seven feet away.
How did I get here?
I think I might be clinically depressed.
Because, this isnt normal. This really isnt normal.
You dont care. You dont care.
I dont think anyone does.
Im such a good liar, im such a good actress.
Addictions. Wake up, brew coffee, run downstairs for a smoke. Come back up, sip feverishly, burn tongue. Put phone off, throw it into some obscure part of your room. Put on everything black you own. Dry hair to perfection, thick rimmed glasses, coat, scarf, bag, ipod. Walk out, see people you know but adopt a demure version of civil inattention and act like you're really busy untangling your headphones. Stroll to class, huffing and puffing, walk, climb up stairs, sit. Smile, discuss, take notes, employ intelligence when necessary. Walk out, enter next class, lather rinse repeat. Fake going to the bathroom after class to ensure you dont meet anyone, walk back to room, pick up food on the way so that you dont have to bother with the cafteria. Get back, turn on phone, check voicemail, call you back and tell you ive changed my mind about the movie. Meet up with old vices and indulge in bad habits, stumble back into my room so far gone before sunset, have half a sleeping pill and go to bed. Wake up at around eight, turn phone back on, check voicemail, unlock door, stare idly at books. Meet old vices again, indulge again, pop two sleeping pills and smile about being done with another day.
Addictions, so unattractive.
The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.
You dont care, You dont care.
I dont think anyone does.
I played with the idea of transferring today, just like I play with the ideas of self mutilation and crossing the street with my eyes shut.
'You've made an empire for yourself, and now you dont know what to do with it.'
I used to be the popular kid, the International who had made the transition excessively easily, the girl who went out Thursday night Friday night and Saturday night. The girl who still did great in school, still had time for org's and community service and still managed to hold her head high and smile through the stress and the tension that comes with being a freshman in a state thats colder than Siberia.
Things changed a lot since ive come back after winter break, ive become this tiny tiny little girl, so unstable, so acutely uncomfortable in her own skin. Yesterday, as I was drying my hair I caught a glimpse of
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.
myself in the mirror and actually paused to exclaim at my sever unattractiveness. I just sat and stared at myself, all of a sudden transported back into the skin of a twelve year old who thought that no one would ever love her because she didnt love herself. The girl who had her heart broken on April Fools day, the girl who was the token ugly kid in a group of some of the most beautiful girls, the girl who never truly died inside me.
I shake uncontrollably sometimes, I shake when im lying in bed silently, I shake because my mind doesnt know how to be still anymore.
And the song keeps on playing, on repeat, over and over again.
Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.
There is only so much you can before people start giving up on you. I havnt spoken to my parents in weeks, I havnt spoken to anyone from home in ages, I dont see my friends unless I have to, I lock my door so that the girls think im never there. I dont go into public spaces, I havnt been in the campus center all week, I havnt been to class much, I dont study in the library. These days, its me and my bed and my laptop and my addictions. We make a lovely little family, hibernating in my dorm room, lying on top of each other till we all flow into each other, left out in the cold cold air, mildew and mold forming, layer over layer, still we're just flaky pieces of ignorable trash.
I need you so much closer
I dont know what to do with myself anymore, im too tired to change this, im too burnt out to continue doing it. I need you to save me, but im never going to ask. I need you to save me but I know you wont. I need you to save me, but I dont know if im worth the struggle.
Baby, I think im running out of tears.
Baby, I need you to save me, because I wont let anyone else but you do it.
About three weeks ago, we had a conversation that I dont think ill ever forget. You told me that I made denial beautiful and I laughed and told you that I frightfully good at it and that it felt good to just forget and be happy for a change. You looked at me, silently for about a minute and then said, 'You're going to crash sooner or later, just so you know, its going to come, and thats the day you pick up your phone and give me and everyone else who loves you a call.' And I smile, hoping upon hope that your wrong, or that alteast the crash comes during the summer.
But here I am crashing. At 3 am, stale tears stinging my cheeks..
..hoping that the next time I walk through traffic with my eyes shut something interesting happens.
The song plays, over and over again. It plays because I dont know what else to do with it, it plays because I dont have any answers for the questions it makes me ask myself, it plays because it somehow manages to alleviate the troubles while still pressing upon wave upon wave of grief. Its 2:20 in the morning, late Thursday night, tomorrow being the first and last holiday for the rest of the semester. Im sitting covered in my comforter, typing because I dont know what else to do with myself, typing because I dont have an answer for the questions my words are asking me, typing because I need the shelter of my laptop so I can cry in peace while my roommate sits only seven feet away.
How did I get here?
I think I might be clinically depressed.
Because, this isnt normal. This really isnt normal.
You dont care. You dont care.
I dont think anyone does.
Im such a good liar, im such a good actress.
Addictions. Wake up, brew coffee, run downstairs for a smoke. Come back up, sip feverishly, burn tongue. Put phone off, throw it into some obscure part of your room. Put on everything black you own. Dry hair to perfection, thick rimmed glasses, coat, scarf, bag, ipod. Walk out, see people you know but adopt a demure version of civil inattention and act like you're really busy untangling your headphones. Stroll to class, huffing and puffing, walk, climb up stairs, sit. Smile, discuss, take notes, employ intelligence when necessary. Walk out, enter next class, lather rinse repeat. Fake going to the bathroom after class to ensure you dont meet anyone, walk back to room, pick up food on the way so that you dont have to bother with the cafteria. Get back, turn on phone, check voicemail, call you back and tell you ive changed my mind about the movie. Meet up with old vices and indulge in bad habits, stumble back into my room so far gone before sunset, have half a sleeping pill and go to bed. Wake up at around eight, turn phone back on, check voicemail, unlock door, stare idly at books. Meet old vices again, indulge again, pop two sleeping pills and smile about being done with another day.
Addictions, so unattractive.
The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.
You dont care, You dont care.
I dont think anyone does.
I played with the idea of transferring today, just like I play with the ideas of self mutilation and crossing the street with my eyes shut.
'You've made an empire for yourself, and now you dont know what to do with it.'
I used to be the popular kid, the International who had made the transition excessively easily, the girl who went out Thursday night Friday night and Saturday night. The girl who still did great in school, still had time for org's and community service and still managed to hold her head high and smile through the stress and the tension that comes with being a freshman in a state thats colder than Siberia.
Things changed a lot since ive come back after winter break, ive become this tiny tiny little girl, so unstable, so acutely uncomfortable in her own skin. Yesterday, as I was drying my hair I caught a glimpse of
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.
myself in the mirror and actually paused to exclaim at my sever unattractiveness. I just sat and stared at myself, all of a sudden transported back into the skin of a twelve year old who thought that no one would ever love her because she didnt love herself. The girl who had her heart broken on April Fools day, the girl who was the token ugly kid in a group of some of the most beautiful girls, the girl who never truly died inside me.
I shake uncontrollably sometimes, I shake when im lying in bed silently, I shake because my mind doesnt know how to be still anymore.
And the song keeps on playing, on repeat, over and over again.
Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.
There is only so much you can before people start giving up on you. I havnt spoken to my parents in weeks, I havnt spoken to anyone from home in ages, I dont see my friends unless I have to, I lock my door so that the girls think im never there. I dont go into public spaces, I havnt been in the campus center all week, I havnt been to class much, I dont study in the library. These days, its me and my bed and my laptop and my addictions. We make a lovely little family, hibernating in my dorm room, lying on top of each other till we all flow into each other, left out in the cold cold air, mildew and mold forming, layer over layer, still we're just flaky pieces of ignorable trash.
I need you so much closer
I dont know what to do with myself anymore, im too tired to change this, im too burnt out to continue doing it. I need you to save me, but im never going to ask. I need you to save me but I know you wont. I need you to save me, but I dont know if im worth the struggle.
Baby, I think im running out of tears.
Baby, I need you to save me, because I wont let anyone else but you do it.
About three weeks ago, we had a conversation that I dont think ill ever forget. You told me that I made denial beautiful and I laughed and told you that I frightfully good at it and that it felt good to just forget and be happy for a change. You looked at me, silently for about a minute and then said, 'You're going to crash sooner or later, just so you know, its going to come, and thats the day you pick up your phone and give me and everyone else who loves you a call.' And I smile, hoping upon hope that your wrong, or that alteast the crash comes during the summer.
But here I am crashing. At 3 am, stale tears stinging my cheeks..
..hoping that the next time I walk through traffic with my eyes shut something interesting happens.
posted by discopapaya at 12:19 AM
2 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
true. isolation is bound to break you, along with your addictions.. you can only be saved if you let yourself be saved. in isolation you can only save yourself, if you believe you are strong enough. but shutting down completely results in people being forced to give up on you also.
and that's the worst feeling in the world. trust me. i've seen it, and i've gone through my share of it.
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