keeponmoving, keeponmovingon.

The day started funny, I overslept and you could tell. Hair tied, a ridiculously formal shirt on with plain blue jeans and boots. Chain smoking, Ipod plugged in, walking without acknowledging all the people you know and kind of know. Run from Econ to the grill to the most inane two hour conversation/waste of time ever. Get back to my room after realizing that I had forgotten my phone there and saw three missed calls. Two from an unrecognizable foreign number and one from you. My phone goes off again, the same unrecognizable number, and I pick up at whim, one foot out the door, the other pausing to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything else.

A familiar voice on the phone says hello, my heart breaks because you sound muffled and pained.

I snap the phone shut, and find myself still in my room, crawled up between the fridge and the laundry basket. A pathetic picture, accented only by the tears streaming down my voice- hypocritical to my steady and calm voice pouring out empty advice. What now? Who's paying for school? Who knows? Who doesn't? Oh my brother, my little little brother. I want to tell him, I should be the one, I dont want to, but I should be the one.

And so I let myself go for about four minutes, crying with noise and sound effects, till I couldnt breathe anymore and pain engulfed my chest. Level out your heaves, stop shaking uncontrollably, your roommate will be back soon, she had never seen me cry, this wasn't going to be the first time. Gathered and relocated to my bed, my phone still gripped in my hand. I flip it open and flip it shut again- who to call? Who to share with? Anyone, but you're at work, you have a midterm at seven, you're sick and you're in class. So I sit, nauseous and claustrophobic. I look out and see the most beautiful day, the slow still fresh on the ground but the sun shining brightly. I get dressed and decide to go for a walk, me and my Ipod, almost seeing if i get through this by myself. I venture out, mellow music in the background, my eyes still swollen. The wind hits you when you leave the dorm and that numbing feeling helps you forget, just for a little while.

You crave that feeling for the rest of the day.

People leave your life, all the time. People have left me, are leaving me, will leave me. People I need and care for and who need me, but thoughts have been lost to sparkdust and commercials and all that other stuff that comes in between knowing someone forever and knowing someone because you're waiting for them to let you down.

Thankyou.

For staying.

I cant get through this by myself, thankyou for not making me feel weak.

Thank you for letting me down, it gives me something to contrast with.