falling awake.

Eagle in the dark
Feathers in the pages
Monkeys in my heart
Rattling their cages
Found a way to bloom
Another ghost to follow
Said its only up to you
It’s the hardest pill to swallow

My body tingles, I sit to type, the intercom rings, I ignore it- as usual, as always. Its dark in my room, its darker than it should be, Karachi breathes heavy, Karachi breathes strong. The cities seen a lot, its seen a lot without me, but irrespective it welcomes me back with open arms. Like a best friend who’ll pause for a split second before embracing you once again, like a dog whose missed its owner but has its own pride to uphold- the city wakes and sleeps, folding and unfolding me within its creases once again.

You never get to choose
You live on what they send you
You know their gonna use
Things you love against you
One foot in the grave
One foot in the shower
There’s never time to save
You’re paying by the hour
And that’s just the way it goes
Falling awake
And that’s just the way it goes

The bubble bursts, only to be replaced by another one. You enter the real world, you loose baggage tickets and bum lighters at Dubai airport, you act like an adult, fighting for your time to speak and your time to stay quiet- and you become the person that you were sent away to become. And then you come home, and your body slumps at luxury, you watch other people make your tea, you become accustomed to your ashtray being magically cleaned every morning, your dog rests silently at your feet- the song ends, only to be replaced by a new one.

Slipping through the bars
Aware of the danger
Of riding in the cars
Taking candy from
never out of hand
Never out of pocket
Super sonic man
Do you want to buy a rocket

He has a new car, you still sit in the front seat. Conversation survives between two even though there are many more in the car, you run out of credit, you forget to take your keys and make your brother stay awake to open the front door for you. Your body swims in old clothes, your hair tied up, your exterior sweats, you complain about a heat that you’ve grown up with. Funland is lovely, Café Clifton serves you the same tea in the same cracked flowery glass. The sun sets all over again, even though it went through the same endeavor the day before. You stare out of your window and watch the world you know turn from yellow to pink to violet to midnight purple. Karachi never really becomes completely dark. The colors know, the colors have a new heaviness to them, they see you and they see what you have seen and what you have been through- and they sympathize. They pat you on the back, they salute, they tell you that they’ve seen other people survive this, that you too will survive.

Well that’s just the way it goes
Falling awake
Falling awake
And that’s just the way it goes
Falling awake
Falling awake
Eagle in the dark
Feathers in the pages
Monkeys in my heart
Are rattling their cages
I could learn to play the game
Learn to run the hustle
If I only had the brains
The money or the muscle

Cocoon yourself in unconditional love, bask in the glory of familiarity and smiles that you’ve seen a million times before. Tread the same streets, make the same conversation, do all those things that made you complete before the humanity was scrubbed away.

Baby, you’re home.

obnoxious laughter, rings through the atmosphere, taunting you, taunting you to shame.

you dear girl, are pathetic, absolutely pathetic.

god help you, once you manage to get the energy to help yourself.

you will always, in this moment, in this time and in this place, be a half image of what you are. this is the lowest of the low, self pity before sunrise, mutilation before conquer.

an addiction to sleeping pills because nothing makes time pass faster than slumber- classy.

Oh velocity girl
What makes you go so fast
Is it the speed you're taking
Since you gave up the drinking

And you live for words, because at this moment in time, there's nothing else to live for. You sit, in this box, this box with clothes strewn all over the floor, the carpet smelling of an obnoxious combination of cigarettes and febreeze. The windows are open, a chill air seeps through, carrying with it the noises of the people outside, of joy and calm and of letting go to an extent where you never really come back.

But you're not downstairs, you are not them. You used to be, but you are not anymore. You are the girl dressed in dark colors, reclined on her bed, surrounded by absolutely nothing. If there were auras and halos and all that other pretty stuff that stands apart from indifference you would have a little rain cloud above you, all the time, at that point where you know its going to rain but cant see any physical proof of it. Its in the air they say, when it rains at home its warm rain, a rain that used to shut down school and prompt drunken dances. The rain here makes you fear for your hair and keeps you from smoking because you're cigarette always gets wet.

I go home in less than a week. I would say this semesters flown by, but I wouldnt know. Ive been sober for a very short amount of it, the rest is just a blur of heartbreak and strain.

Strain. Thats the word, im strained.

6 days more.

Im counting down to a goal that doesnt serve as resolution. If anything, its just going to perpetuate the blisters.

There is something severely wrong in this whole scenario.

freefalling

2 missed calls in two hours.

Voicemail: 'Hey.. I was just.calling because I havnt seen you in .. a whiiiile. So yeah, just uhmm call me, tell me whats up, where you are you know...so...yeah..just do that.. and uhm.. call me.'

About fifteen minutes later, text message: Hey, want to go to for a movie today?

FUCK OFF.
GO AWAY FUCK OFF FUCK YOU FUCK OFF FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU GO FUCKING AWAY.

You CANNOT treat me that way and expect me to FORGET. I HATE YOU. I have NEVER, EVER been USED by someone like that before. My HEART is not in existence for you to TRAMPLE UPON.