THISFEELINGNEEDSTOGOPRONTO.

Am I dead? Because honestly, this is what being dead probably feels like. So completely removed that its scary. Your fingers cant touch, your mind cant comprehend. On some superficial level I can still feel, I still react I still move and exist and go through life like nothings happened. But so much has, im so bad with change, so acutely incapable of dealing with stuff evolving into figures that I don’t understand.

Argh.

the sheer joy
of dancing half dressed
to your music
in your own room

preparing for a night
that is yours and mine

is unparalled.

-

The scene opens. The air reeks of deep friend chicken and cigarettes. They eat silently, one sprawled on the floor, another on the sofa, one sitting upright after waking up from an insanely long nap. He comes out of the kitchen with drinks, puts down the ketchup and resumes inhaling the Zinger.

They see headlights, they hear a car screech to a halt, they hear the screech of the gate opening, they see a dark figure entering the house, they see an old friend walk through the door, they get up to give welcome back hugs, she hears screams and happy shrieking, she sees hugging and laughing and catching up.

She does nothing.

Damn, that fried chicken really did stink.

That was the only thought, the only thought running through my head.

He turns, all the welcome hello’s dealt with. Eyes crisscross, a familiar smile met with another. You just come and sit by me, just by me. No greeting, no need for the passing of words. Bodies shift to compensate for the other, swivel around, arm on shoulder, so completely known, so completely recognized.

Welcome back, its been far far far too long.

And now, im home.

I missed you more than everyone here combined.

I know, I know.

You didn’t miss me at all.

Not really no.

Liar.

Love you too darling.

home

holy shit.

I should go to bed.

Where the universe revolves around the pupil of an eye.

That song will always remind me of you. Always. Because I know no one else whose heard it, and even if they have, they didnt share what we did when we heard it. Songs are like little boxes of memories for me, you click play on iTunes and you remember a time, a place, a person- maybe even a smell. A mood of sorts, a reminder of better days, of worse days, of days in general. We've lived through so many days apart, so many many days that rolled into weeks and months and years and decades. Childhood, puberty, being bitter and being too happy to know any better. But even then, three months into the most unusual friendship ive ever had, it feels like we've lived an eternity.

Destiny had a plan for us, you and me. Forgive the dramatic dialogues but I really feel that there are energys in this world, and one of those energys was out there just to get me and you together. And it suceeded, and thankgod for that. You are perfectly imprefect for me.

Im sitting in my room, I can see my reflection in the mirror next to the sink. Im cross legged, laptop burning permanent marks onto my thighs. Two suitcases, my fully charged ipod, my travel case with all the papers needed (im so my fathers daughter its crazy) a bag with a book, two extra pens, a brush and my cell phone. Ive said all the goodbyes I need to say, had all the awkward moments I needed to have, laughed enough to compensate for the dry tears that never left my eyes, smoked enough cigarettes to blacken my lungs to the core. Ive slept through class, aced exams, bitched about failing exams, written papers that make me seem like a dyslexic cow, made mistakes- so so so many, run out of money, been exhausted, been content, been all of these things in fleeting moments where time stands still but momentum still makes you feel like your flying.

Time moves funny here, the days fly by, the weeks drag, monday flows into tuesday, a whole night of sleep feels like a five minute nap. What I did yesterday seems like a week ago, what I did a week ago seems like a month ago. The absurd feeling of numbness still remains, I still need to constantly remind myself of where I am, what im doing, sometimes I need to reach out and touch, forcing my senses to deliver concrete messages to my brain. Its still odd, even right now, with the side of my bed digging into my back, with the heat of my laptop burning my skin, with my fingers lightly touching the keyboard, im still not here, im still not doing this. When will this numbness go? What is it?

But even then, irrespective of all that, this is as real as my life has been. Ive said that im sorry, ive owned up to my mistakes, im confronted, ive let myself go. Karachi life, with its drama and high politics always felt like I was watching everything through a glass mirror, seperated from it eternally. But here, im right in the middle of things, im held accountable, and its made this so much more fruitful, the friendships so much stronger, the days so much more meaningful.

For that I thank everyone. And I pat myself on the back for a 3.8 GPA, a set of the most amazing friends, a waistline that is still in check and a mind that isnt insanely happy, but is content in its discontentment.

A plane ride tomorrow and there ill be. Home.

Lets see how this goes.



I really should be in bed.

I can see it all tonight
Underneath a perfect sky

Where the universe revolves around the pupil of an eye.

Im a part of everything
Im a part of everything

Papers rustle, I reach out for my mug and sip on my deadly red bull coffee combination. Im wearing miss matched socks, glasses, a huge grey t-shirt and jeans that are torn from the bottom. Im immersed in my laptop, reading up on ancient Japanese history, writing papers based on Wikipedia, downloading pictures for presentations. Sheets of loose paper lie on a bleach wooden desk. Bags, pencils, highlighters. Im stressed, its obvious, ive slept for about six hours in three days and it shows. Im counting down the hours, the days, the moments and the pauses.

And you know.

Pause, you make a weird sound, something that cant be duplicated in words. I look up to see, obviously irritated to be disturbed.

I nod, to allow you to speak.

'Hey you,'

'Hmm?' Impatient and overworked dont make me very social.



'Want to take over the world togethe?'



Ill always pause for you.

Teray liye saarey gham hain sahey.


Ive been there for you, more than you, more than you want to admit to. And I havn't complained, or thought twice about it, primarily because your joy is my joy and nothing makes me happier than seeing you settled and content. It was a one way relationship, the one being taken care of and the one caring, but I always thought that it was a situational matter, you needed me at that moment in time, I on the other hand was pretty stable and stationary.

Ive been drifting for months now, and Ive reached out- once, twice, too many times to count now. And its hit me, now, at 2-45 in the afternoon while im lying in bed after the most exhausting day that isnt even over yet, that it wasnt situational, it was eternally a one way thing, and thats- not okay.

Bottom line- Im done. It was nice knowing you. Take care of yourself because im not willing to do it anymore.

itsoursong

One in the morning, body numb with medication, mind alert with exhaustion.

Its been another weird day, another odd monday, another week thats begun and will sooner or later come to an inevitable end. The days to go home are slipping by fast, too fast for me to digest one more change, to get used to a house and parents and family and belonging once again. And it'll be a good change, but its going to be one more mental toil on a mind thats already seen a fair share of not very great moments this year.

But hey, Ive run out of clean clothes and couldnt be fucked to do laundry so going home is really needed.

Im sick like theres no tomorrow. Temperature here is hitting -20 right now, with no sign of snow. I so should have gone to school on the West coast, or even the East coast. Bloody Midwest will be the death of me. I slept through all my classes and shut my phone off, I become bitter and antisocial when im sick. You were amazing today, coming to check on me, going out to buy me medicine, screaming your head off when you saw me sneaking out for a smoke later. I hit a delusional moment today, somewhere in between dinner and the 'its like wheres waldo' comment. I laughed for 2 hours straight.

Then I stopped breathing, but thats okay.

This post has no reason, ive run out of eloquence. Lifes too fast paced here to warrant reflection and thought. Im speeding through, you might as well just move of the day.

A cigarette at -20 weather = a bad idea but one im going to indulge in anyway.