:)

sigh, i love this picture

i dont know why, but i do

japenese people are insane, in the bestbestbest way

going home in 19 days. holy fucking shit.

my excuse? im on medication

Thanksigiving break. People going home. I hate you for leaving tomorrow morning, who the hell will I wake up at four in the morning to go smoke with me in 15 degree weather? What the hell is up with this school anyway? WHY is it so cold?

Drink blood, smoke crack, worship satan - go mac.

Hah. I love that cheer. According to my planner (that is now officially my best friend) im going home in less than four weeks. When in gods name did that happen?

Woah, god. I have to go back to a land where people believe in him.

I like my bubble, my bubble of political correctness, of pro-everything, of minorities being a lot more powerful than the majorities, of homosexuals outnumbering hetrosexuals, of people being nice to you even if they have no idea who you are. Theres a routine here now, a routine thats familiar enough to be depended on but new enough to not have gotten redundant just yet. Ive found my people, ive found my place and somewhere along there, I found my way.

Am I happy? Sure, most of the time, but lifes reached a comfortable dead moment now. It feels safe, known territory, been there done that, its been conquered, ive landed- now I just have to consolidate my base.

Going home soon, thats going to be interesting. Cant wait to see the father, he be dearly dearly missed. Maybe thats the next step, to go back and compille all my thoughts together and see what ive landed up with. Theres still an odd numb feeling about this existence, like if I read out to touch it it might just vanish.

Have also not gotten the american accent.

Also managed to get an A in that paper that I based solely on Wikipedia.

Yep, its been a good day.

Happy gives me backaches.

Must remember to never have Katies soccer medicine again, fucking shit makes me loopy.

See, under normal circumstances I would have never said loopy.

Im slipping, slowly, so slow that you can hardly even tell.

But here I am, so low, so low baby doll.

And all I can do is try to fall even slower.

Is disaster inevitable?

sunnysideup

'Hey'

'Oh..Heyy'

'Coffee?'

'Im working'

Papers are moved, a yellow highlighter falls to the ground. Girl bends down, picks it up and resumes staring at her copy of Ovid.

'Coffee?'

'Im working!'

Is that a grin?

'Coffee?'

'Dude, I have practice at 10, pages and pages of reading, a paper wednesday a museum trip all of thursday..aaaand yeah. Im going to stop complaining now.'

'Im giving you five minutes to get dressed, lets go.'

'Child, if you want to go out your going to have to deal with taking the ugliest girl in school with you. Smudged eyeliner, sweatshirt and unbrushed hair etc.'

'So your coming huh?' Insert cheeky cheeky smile

'Ass.'

Things are all over the place, that sense of safety and belonging that I had a week ago doesnt exist anymore. It flew away with autumn leaves and warmth. I dont know where I stand, where my place is, who my people are. And sure, its not the nicest feeling in the world, but you deal, primarily because this life doesnt wait for mood swings and quiet days. There are no exceptions to teh whirlwind, you'll alwaysalways be blown away.

But you, today- you made things settle just for a minute.

And as I walked the leaves crunched below my shoes, and the stars sparkled greyshineglitter.

And I was arrested in you. In that moment and in that presence.

Thankyou.

restless.reclined.random.

Aliterations anyone?

Must stop fidgeting. Must figure out what to do, must organize and re-organize and settle down and simplify.

Must stop changing the songs on Itunes, even when I love the song I get tired of it after the first few minutes.

Stop. Just stop.

Stop typing so fast. Stop feverishly sipping out of a cup thats run out of water. Stop worrying about the paper due monday, the midterm on friday, the piles and piles of reading for next week. The laundrys done, you really should go pick it up. You left some stuff in their room last night and you need it now, your hairs drying funny, you need coffee and for once its quite nice outside. Its 3-49 in the afternoon, theres dinner at five, but you wont go, you'll make an excuse and bow out, you'll skip the movie and lie about doing work instead. It'll strike midnight and you'll give up on the solitary confinement and join the others, drink to get drunk, stagger home at some ungodly hour and go to sleep in the clothes you were wearing the entire day. You'll wake up with a hangover and a bad taste in your mouth, your roommate giving you the 'dude are you ever AWAKE?' look.

Pathetic. Your so completely pathetic.

Pathetic and restless.

With no clothes to wear because everythings in the laundry and weird limpy hair.

You came into my room last night, at about four in the morning. You knocked on the door, got no reply and so felt that you could walk in irrespective. The lights were off, my roomie was fast asleep, I was awake but I didnt move nor make a sound.

You called out my name, once, twice, thrice. The door began to shut and the amount of light entering the room began to decrease, I moved an inch- the bed sheets rustled.

'I know your awake'

Silence.

'Christ, Come on.'

Silence.

'Fine, im leaving tomorrow morning, ill see you Sunday.'



Bloodshot eyes baby doll, im not going to let you see that.

Im not letting you know.

Never.

atmymostbeautiful.

Wake up, see that its eight thirty. Class in an hour. Showered last night.

Turn the other way and go back to sleep.

Wake up, freak out because it feels like ive been sleeping forever. Check the time hoping that I could still make it to my noon class.

Its eight thirty seven.

Roll over, go back to bed.

-

Walking towards class, reach the building seven minutes early, lean against a tree and try to exhale my tension but marlboro lets me down. I see you walking towards me and I feel no need to smile. I just stare.

'Whats wrong?'

'Nothing, it just doesnt feel like ive woken up and have to go through a whole new day.'

'You have class right now?'

'Yup. What about you?'

'Work. And I misjudged the weather and now im fucking freezing.'

'Then go inside fool.'

'I will. Just checking up on your first.'

'Im fine'

'Sure. Your fine, im not flunking my chem lab, we both arnt broke- i hear its going to rain tequila later.'

And you get me smiling.


-

You run away, you run and run and run. And then you realize that you left behind your sanctuary. My sanctuary is words.

And so im back.