the smoke it sank into my skin.

Being me these days, is not a good person to be. Im stressed and exhausted and overworked. Underloved? Maybe, maybe not. People dont seem to leave, its the one thing that ive always always had going for me. I dont know what it is, I dont know why they stay after I push and shove and struggle to get them away. People stick around, for eternities and moments and hours spent recalling yesterdays and tomorrows and those that were and those that could be.

I dont want to synthesize my life for you, whittle it down into words and accents. It isnt about the instances that I recall, the extreme highs that I have and the heart breaking lows. It isnt my stories, my cute endings, my sentences, my thoughts. My life is how I feel, how my fingers move through air, how my hair flies in a gust of wind. Its the way I walk, dragging my feet, this acute inability to walk in a straight line irrespective of how sober I am. Its the way my eyes will always dissapear when I smile, its the way my smile is crooked, its my laugh, the one that arouses the need to laugh in others.

Its the way I think, its the filters with which I see what is around me, the way I percieve and the way I express, the ins and outs of thought processes. I can decipher you in a second, I will always be intrigued by your insincerity. I live for bursts of emotion, I live for timed pauses, I live for music that molds itself into my life until one can not be defined without the other. I live for my walks back home in the middle of the night, where its just me and my song and my cigarette. And I walk in tune to the music, and I think so many thoughts that it reaches a point where there are so many of something that it amounts to a whole of nothing. I have the oddest of eccentricities, but I love them, I love them because its what makes me different than every other tortured teen trying to find answers in places that ran out of them a long time ago.

I love because I have to, because forces command me to and I simply abide. I leave a lot to intuition, logic gets me to a point where nothing makes sense and intuition pulls me through.

I will remember this night as one of the happiest of my life
A thankyou to everyone who made it what it was

'You know where we went today?

Where?

To that point, where there was no where else to go

And what did we do there?

We celebrated it. And we celebrated ourselves. We lived.'